"Celebrate Marriage" Text: Genesis 2:15-24; Matthew 19:4-6 - Date: August 1, 2004 Prayer for illumination: May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight; 0 Lord my Rock and my Redeemer. AMEN    The institution of marriage is very complex. Just ask Raleigh or Nancy or Fred or Sue, as by day's end, both will have celebrated 50 years of marriage -- 50 years of "wedded bliss!" Whatever I am able to say about marriage in the time that we have together this morning admittedly is very incomplete and generalized. Nevertheless, it is my opinion that it would be a far greater mistake if nothing were said about the wonderful institution of marriage at all. I probably don't need to tell you that, however. As we begin our sermon, "Celebrate Marriage," it is important to note a number of trends and patterns, which are impacting family functioning and the relationships between husbands, and wives. Such dynamics as technological change, economic realities, and relational transitions, need to be acknowledged and explored.    There is no doubt that we are living -- hopefully surviving -- a technological explosion. Alvin Toffler provides us with a graphic example of how quickly change has taken place within our culture. He says that if we divide the last 50,000 years of human existence into lifetimes of approximately 62 years each, there would have been about 800 such lifetimes. Of these, fully 650 were spent in caves. Only during the last 70 lifetimes have people been able to communicate effectively through writing. During the past six lifetimes, we have seen the development of the printed word. And it has been only during the past two lifetimes that there has been an electric motor. Most material goods we use daily have been developed within the present, 800th lifetime!    Research indicates that approximately three-fourths of the data and information we have today was not available at the close of World War II. For children born in the 1980's, cumulative world knowledge will have increased ten-fold by the time they graduate from college. And by the time these people have reached age 50, over 97% of everything known in the world will have been learned since they were born. As you might suspect, there are wonderful benefits to the technological age; but; there are devastating liabilities as well.    In recent decades, we have witnessed major economic changes. Unemployment, the pressure of less buying power, a changing stock market and marketplace the with rise and fall of "dot coms" and changing "blue chippers" and the internet has created enormous stresses for many families. One just has to walk in downtown Bremerton and see all the empty shops to know that business is done so differently today than yesterday. There was a time we lived with the expectation of working our entire working careers for the same company. What do you think the hope -- much less the reality -- of this notion for this generation and your children and your grandchildren is?    Not only are there major external pressures such as technological change and economic realities, but also there are also extensive internal changes within family relationships being experience today: Despite the fact that 90-95% of adults eventually marry, there have been a 16-fold increase in the divorce rate in recent decades. By the early 1980's, there had been one million divorces annually, double the reported breakups in 1966, and nearly three times that of 1950. Approximately one in every three will end in divorce. In a lecture I heard a couple of years ago at Regent College in Vancouver, right on the heels of 911, Dr. Michael Cassidy, the founder of African Enterprise said that in the 1960's, the divorce rate among non-Christians was 1 in 4; the divorce rate among nominal Christians was 1 in 40 and among those who called themselves "born again" it was 1 in 400! Today, according to Barna research, the statistics on divorce are really sad. Today, of all the people who have been married, 33% of all born again individuals have gone through a divorce which is statistically identical to the 34% incidence among non-born again adults! Looking at these statistics slightly differently, about 11% of the general adult population is divorced and 25% of all adults have experienced at least one divorce during their lifetime. Among born again Christians, 27% are currently or have previously been divorced, compared to 24% among adults who are not born again. These statistics were drawn from a nationwide survey of over 4000 adults and because of the large sample size the difference is statistically significant (Results printed in a report, December 21, 1999). Moreover, in a survey conducted in the early 1990's, it showed that only 55% of all people living together in America were married. Despite the high divorce rates, 80% of divorced persons eventually do remarry. Blended families are more and more common. It is also estimated that 4 our of 10 children born in the 1970's will spend part of their childhood in single-parent families, usually with the mother as the head of the household.    Our views and concepts of "traditional families" and role expectations that we have grown up with are rapidly changing. There has been a redefinition of male and female sex roles. Traditional divisions of responsibility -- women take care of the inside of the home, men take care of the outside, for example -- have and also proven to be unnecessary and outmoded. Friends, these are not the lives and times of June and Ward Cleaver, or Ozzie and Harriet Nelson or Mike and Carol Brady. While I don't think these depictions were authentic representations of family life, I certainly don't believe that the dysfunctional lives of Al and Peggy Bundy or Homer and Marge Simpson serve very well as are our models for family life today either! So, in the time remaining this morning, we shall look at just two things: the Nature of Marriage and the Qualities of a Healthy Marriage.    First of all, concerning the Nature of Marriage. For this, we review what we know about family life as found in the Old Testament. While the family as we know it has been the most universal and most prominent form of the family, it has not been the only one in Western tradition. Despite the monogamous ideals in Old Testament theology, polygamy was the norm during pre-exilic times. And while Genesis states that a man will leave his father and mother, the patriarchal family gave particular place to the extended family rather than to the nuclear form. Marriages were arranged by the parents, not by individuals who were marrying. And the tribe seemed to be a more prominent unit than the nuclear family was.    The second chapter of Genesis provides the basic ideal: "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united, to his, wife, and they will become one flesh (2:24)." Both the fact that the author of Genesis offers this principle as foundational and the fact that Jesus appeals to it make it compellingly normative for us. Marriage is founded, not in Mosaic Law or in the patriarchal social system, but in the creative order that precedes these. Matthew 19:4-6 says, "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united, to his, wife, and they will become one flesh." Accordingly, in Martin Luther's understanding of this text, he warned against speaking of the "Christian family." He contended that the family is not just part of the gospel; it is part of creation. And so, we discern that the nature of marriage has been established by God, for all peoples, Christian or otherwise! A marriage between one man and one woman is the standard that has stood the test of time and is still the standard for marriage today.    Secondly, what are the Qualities of a Healthy Marriage? There are a number of qualities that can be measured and healthy relationships will demonstrate a number of these. In 1983, family researcher, Dolores Curran has identified 15 specific traits that are present in healthy families. Since husbands and wives is the simplest expression of "family" these traits are true for them as well. These 15 qualities can be grouped into 6 general categories:    1. Appreciation. Healthy couples appreciate each other. There is a supportive, affirming environment between such couples. Each one has a strong sense of being appreciated and loved. Thus, even though there is a strong bond of togetherness, there is also great respect for privacy and individual concerns for one another.    2. Time. The use of time is an important concern in the healthy couples. Time together as couples is an important priority, both in terms of quality and its quantity. Despite the pressures, which can drive couples apart, healthy couples make concentrated efforts to eat together as regularly as possible and share leisure times together as well. Since such couples appreciate each other, there is enjoyment in play as well as in the more serious aspects of living.    The Navy understands this. Over recent decades, the Department of the Navy took note of the fact that they had in inordinate number of divorces, that they came to believe was in large measure due to the demands that such time apart placed on families; in addition to other stresses, both sociological and economic. Now, as ships return to port after being deployed, there are training sessions with the crew, which very carefully and specifically determines a protocol for greeting loved ones on shore. It is very carefully orchestrated as to who leaves the ship first, and, upon setting your feet on the ground, which is greeted first. As I understand it, the crew are instructed to greet their spouses before parents, etc., etc. And, by placing this intervention into place, they are seeing a reduction in the divorce rate.    Charlotte and I understand this too. When we are together, we work hard at maximizing the quality of the time we spend together. And, praise be to God for cell phones with unlimited minutes!    3. Communication. The communication patterns between healthy couples are an important concern. Communication is direct, loving and constructive. Persons take responsibility for expressing their thoughts and feelings but work hard at listening to the thoughts and feelings and needs of others as well. Since each person is appreciated as an important member of the family, the feelings of each person are expressed and understood by the others.    4. Commitment. Healthy couples possess a strong sense of togetherness, a commitment to stay related even during times of transition, difficulty, or crisis. This is the stuff that marriage vows are made of. These vows, "to be a faithful husband or wife, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live," kind of thing. A commitment to "hang in there" during the good times as well as the bad. This past week, I served as "chaplain on call" at Harrison Hospital while Ben Beicher took vacation with his family - spending some quality time with his wife. I was privileged to have been called in when, either in the judgment of the medical staff or at the request of the family, pastoral care was warranted. On four of my responses this week, people died -- two yesterday.... Last night as I was with a wife as her husband of 40 years had his intubator removed, we talked about the vows they had taken 40 years earlier.... You know the vows. "I CHARLOTTE, take you MARK to be my husband; And I do promise and covenant; Before God and these witnesses; To by your Loving and faithful wife; In plenty and in want; In Joy and in sorrow; In sickness and in health; As long as we both shall live, so help me God." We talked about that as they took these vows 40 years ago, they did not have this day in mind. Trust me, as Aaron and Lisa, whose marriage I officiated last weekend in Port Ludlow, were not thinking of such a time as last night as they spoke these vows to each other in the presence of their family, their friends, and their God. Others of you here who have walked through that valley of the shadow of death know what I'm saying too, don't you?    I wish we had more time to discuss commitment, marriage and divorce. For I am not trying to suggest that some marriages shouldn't end in divorce. Some should. Where unrepentant unfaithfulness, in its variety of forms exists, divorce may be the only option. Sometimes, it is the only solution. But, I am also saying that couples, who make their vows before God, need to take their vows very, very seriously and not just "jump ship" at the first sight of rough seas. Sometimes, if the crew will work together at bailing water -- together -- there are a lot of things that can be done before having to "abandon ship." There is a feeling of mutual trust, a shared sense of responsibility in which both the husband and the wife feels loved. Yet this bond of togetherness is not so overbearing that it stifles the individual growth and development of each of its members.    5. Faith. Healthy couples generally seem to have a solid core of moral and spiritual beliefs as well. There is concern about the rightness or wrongness of actions, and for how these actions will impact other people. Values such as empathy as well as serving others are made in priority. Serving and loving God is also of great importance. Thus, healthy couples do not become emotional or relational islands. They value involvement with other persons and profit from the support and encouragement, which such involvement can bring.    Finally, 6. Crisis Management. The goal in healthy couples is not to avoid crisis or pain, but to deal with difficulties in positive and constructive ways. There is a bond of interdependence in strong couples, which helps them through transitions or difficulties, which can tear apart more dysfunctional couples.     Yet the approach to crisis between healthy couples is not one of rigidity but adaptability. There is flexibility in confronting life, which encourages the creative resolution of conflicts.    Healthy couples seem to get stronger as a result of coping with life. Their stress management skills are such that the bond of togetherness becomes stronger and more vibrant throughout the life cycle.    Friends, we have only had a few minutes this morning to look at the wonderful ever changing and complex institution of marriage. I know that all of us are in different stages in our own relationships with our husbands and wives. But I hope each of us leaves with a heightened sense of the nature of this thing we call marriage and some of the important characteristics that healthy marriages have within them. If your marriage has these, great! If not, friends, it is never too late to begin to work on your relationship with your spouse. There are many wonderfully, helpful resources available to you.    Challenges to the existence of the family are definitely on the increase in this post technological age. Many aspects of family life have changed over recent decades -- especially in the last few years! But, as Christians, we have solid and extensive theological warrant for maintaining the place and function of the family in our society (pause).    This sermon is not confined to those who share in marriage alone, does it? It also has something to say to life in the larger church. The same traits that contribute to a healthy relationship in marriage also contribute to a healthy church relationship too whether married or single!    1. Appreciation. In our relationships with each other, as the Bride of Christ, we need to appreciate each other. There should be a supportive, affirming environment that exists between us with each of us having a strong sense of being appreciated and loved.    2. Time. The use of time is an important concern in the healthy couples. Spending time together in worship, in a class, serving in our community or mission field all strengthen our relationships with one another. Sharing opportunities for fellowship or to playing together as well as sharing in the more serious aspects of living is helpful in our strength and growth as a church family    3. Communication. The communication patterns between church members are also an important concern. Communication is direct, loving and constructive. Persons take responsibility for expressing their feelings but work hard at listening to the feelings and needs of others as well. Since each person is appreciated as an important member of the family, the feelings of each person are expressed and understood by the others.    4. Commitment. Healthy couples possess a strong sense of togetherness, a commitment to stay related even during times of transition, difficulty, or crisis. A commitment to "hang in there" during the good times as well as the bad. Developing feelings of mutual trust, a shared sense of responsibility in which all of us feel and experience loved.    5. Faith. Healthy church families seem to have a solid core of moral and spiritual beliefs as well.    And finally, 6. Crisis Management. The goal in church life is not to avoid crisis or pain, but to deal with difficulties in positive and constructive ways. There is a bond of interdependence, which helps us through transitions or difficulties that may otherwise tear us apart.    As we come to the Table this morning, let us commit to continue discovering what it means to be husbands and wives, as well as what it means to be "The Bride of Christ" -- the church.    Let us pray....

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